My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
