Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
