Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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