Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
