Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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