I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
