Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
