I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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