wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
