Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
