woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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