Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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