She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I need to stop coming to work sober
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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