i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
