I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
