mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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