I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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