That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
