I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
