It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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