I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
