smell my finger.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
