note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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