I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize