remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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