I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
