I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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