We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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