it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize