OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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