I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
