What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
