he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don't want my vagina anymore.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
