I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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