hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
