I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
