Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I need to calm my uterus...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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