1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just want nice things and good sex
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
