I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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