we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
