Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
