He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
