theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
