I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
