If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
