CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize