my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
