Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
