everyone is single if you try hard enough
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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