Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
