so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
