She is in my trunk
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize