I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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