Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
