and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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